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Thursday, January 12, 2006


Having just survived a bout of them I feel I'd like to share some of my musings upon the annual family based drunken violence.

The Irregulars: The folk who are playing the wild rover no more. They've probably settled down now and don't cut a swathe through town on a Friday night but retire to the sofa with the other 'arf and enjoy the finest tv entertainment. This is a fine lifestyle choice, popular with many but the latent teenager smothered by this lifestyle needs their freedom occasionally and the joyful season of goodwill to all men/women provides ample opportunities. The usual couples that have merged into DarrenandTracy devolve into Daz and Trace. Each one off to their own work christmas party, then inevitably onward after a boozy poorly cooked Turkey dinner into the bright lights and phat choons of a nightclub. These irregulars don't usually do 6 hours of drinking, mixing wine, beer, alcho pops and spirits. They don't go to nightclubs and they certainly wouldn't go drinking with the young studs and tarts from the office.

Two hours into the annual nightclub experience they start to feel a little queasy. Ten minutes later I'm faced with the ever predictable conversation,
'I think it's time you went home now.'
'Nah, I'll be fine, I'm just havin' a good time with all my matesh.'
'No, I think you'll be leaving now' The vomit down their top/caught in their hair/over their shoes is giving the wrong vibes.
'Well I am a little pished, oh well home time.'
All well and good methinks, and I'm on the radio telling front door that there's "one leaving, no problem."

Then the colleague, cow-orker spots the not so subtle manouverings of a large doorman and their drunken staggering friend.
'Hey man, leave 'em alone, they're my mate and we're just out having a laugh'
Oh hell! A quick assesment of the friend to see, how far gone they are, how used to clubbing they are and how wound up they are. Decide whether they'll be able to understand you or not and then,
'You're friends heading home now, they've had a good night of it and a little too much christmas cheer.'
Subtle use of my psychology to state the fact of the departure and make it sound both cheery and sensible.
Hopefulyl I hear, 'fair 'nuff'
Hopefully I don't hear 'what the f**k? They're not f**king leaving and you're not f**king kicking them out'
If so I'll be saying "Front door, two leaving no problem".
The nighclub is two punters lighter and with a bit of skillful twisting the vomit covered one now is one bodywidth further away from where I am and I don't have to change my shirt again tonight.

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