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Monday, January 09, 2006


An incoprehensive list of the incomprehisible behaviour of folk encountering doorstaff.

1) Deafness,
All to often a simple request such as 'could you not take that glass onto the dancefloor?' descends into a curiously mimed charade of, drink, then no, then point at (thankfully not covered in crushed broken glass) dancefloor. Related to this are 'can you not sit down across the stairs/fire-escape?' and my favourite 'isn't it time you went home?' often best resolved by referring to pt 2)

2) Dimness,
As in point 1) but without the offering of a question as to leave the punter no room to express the freedom to think they've been trying to annihilate with alchohol for the last 2 hours/12 hours/12 years. It's often best to lead a deaf and by the time the charades have left a blank look, dim punter away from the dancefloor. Most drink addled deaf and dim seem not to notice the change in location. The exception being pt 3)

3) Ego,
Whatever you tell these folk, in sign, semaphore or pictogram their ego stops them seeing it apply to them. Can be monumentally frustrating until you remember that short of being royalty you can always ask them to leave. This will inevitably fail the ego filter and a short and invariably humiliating route to the front door can be swiftly deployed.

4) I.D.
Another common ego meets no-go sitation is the ID on the front door. We as doorstaff shouldn't know you. When you came into town tonight we were not specifically briefed. If you look in my practised eye 21 or under I'll ask you for ID. Most folks who go to nightclubs/bars/off licences/supermarkets and are over 18 but look under 21 generally carry some ID. Very few who aren't 18 do! If you've got it you know you've got it and 99% of the time know where it is. This is one area where we don't have much discretion. Sweet talking me requires more than you'd think and definately more than you've got so don't try it unless you're keen on breaking into stand up and can keep me and my associates laughing 'til we get off shift.

5) Dress code,
Not a personal favourite but you can often remove a certain demographic from your customer base on a given night with a dress code. A punter may think, and will repeatedly tell me, that they look cool and have dressed up smart but I'm not a Trinny & Su style guru (I don't do fashion, I'm told to wear this uniform). If I think you've got trainers on, a big gold chain (not ironically), sports wear, or a paint spattered t-shirt don't be suprised if I dont change my mind after you've bleated at me for 30secs. If I've spotted it you're not coming in dressed like that.

6) Queing,
This one's a winner every time. I'm not dim, I may look like a brickie who's taken a few too many hods on the head but looks can be deceiving. If I'm looking at a queue I'll get in my head a reasonable idea of who's ahead or whom and after the inevitable 20 minunte wait in the rain this idea will be pretty accurate. If you turn up to my door at the front of the queue having been invisible for the last 20 mins and with raucus heckling from behind you don't be suprised if you've just wasted 2minutes and be thankful it's still worth your effort to queue another 30 mins in the rain. It won't be, but I won't tell you that 'til I see you again in half an hour.

7) Attitude,
You'll have one. I'll have one. Don't bring a bad one and you'll not find out what state my ones in tonight. Mine comes with back up (circa 60 stone) and cctv!

8) Manners,
I will initially be as polite to you as I can be. The double arm bar is the polite version of the 'Oi, stop kicking that man in the head!' conversation. Manners cost nothing, unless you're exceedingly impolite then it'll probably have cost you you're admission and that drink you're wearing. 'Thank you sir, have a good night!'

9) Excretia,
This is without much doubt the worst part of the job. Vomit, piss and shit! you'd be suprised how readily apparently housetrained members of the public will deliver this material to virtually anywhere in the premises. It's not a festival folks, we've actually got ceramic fittings with plumbing for that. 'No madam that's the sink!'

10) Blue light taxis for 1 sir?
We may be described as 'a bunch of c**ts' but we've got some friends who can do it with virtual impunity, gawd bless'em.

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