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Sunday, September 23, 2007

Shoes (pt I)

The first issue I have with shoes is women out of them. I understand the sad pressure applied to ladies of all kinds to appear thin, sexy and fashionable at all times but, for f**k's sake, why try and wear shoes for a night out that you can't.

Nightclubs tend not to have too many seats, preferring customers to stand at bars or use the dance floors to exercise and build up a thirst. Ladies are well aware that a long night out includes standing in bars and walking between them, then moving to a nightclub where standing in the outside queue, standing at bars and basically standing on dance floors are all included. If you like pretty shoes, don't buy ones that will hurt your feet, or don't bring only them for a full night out.

If you're in a nightclub where there may be broken glass about at some stage, don't take your shoes off. If you have to move in a hurry,
for instance for a fire-alarm, there won't be time to put your strappy, glittery, small buckled stilettos back on, and you won't want to walk barefoot over the broken glasses of those ahead of you. That'll be why we ask you to put your shoes back on. It's also why we'll ask you to leave if you don't get the message. If you want to walk the cold streets barefoot feel free, just not our sparkling floored nightclub.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Two things...

that modern life has stolen from us.

If you can, cast your mind back to the days before usable, bright flash, low light capable, high resolution cameras were in everybodies mobile phones. Actually before mobile phones and digital cameras really. There were two great topics of debate when you actually encountered non-virtual friends after an evening of drinking.

The first of these classics was the beer goggle defense. A group of folks enter a nightclub after a session over-consuming premium continental lager. Despite most of the group being judgement impaired to a level where operating anything above the difficulty of a door-handle proves impossible, they suddenly encounter the opposite sex. Here one of the group, and one of a similar group, lets call them Brad and Jen, spy each other across a smoke filled bar and their loins act like two opposite charges. They get together and are passionately entwined for enough time for most of the group to get a good look at the coupling.
The next time the group gather Brad is expecting cheers for his stallion like efforts in getting off with the model-like good looking and raunchy brazen temptress that was Jen. Instead he gets smirks, abuse and general derogation for his poor taste, low standards and lack of shame for publically doing what he did with a beast of such horrifying vileness, the ugly-forest squatters-community spat her out for littering. This debate can rage on for hours and not truly be settled til multiple sober sightings are had of the disputed Jen without mitigating circumstances.

The second issue is the phantom event. In this scenario a member of the group of impaired judgement mentioned earlier, lets call them Ange, commits a controversial act. They pull a beautiful women or man. They pole dance around the fat balding DJ for a bottle of free house bubbly. They manage to steal the hen party's silver wigs and wear them as excess pubic hair and still get into the VIP area. These are the type of drunken anecdotes which would hold a party goer in good stead if only they could remember them.
The group will meet again and debate at length who did what when and whether it even happened at least one will always insist the whole group spent the entire night at the bar, chatting to the ever fitter bar staff and another will insist that all the great adventures were done by them first and obviously with more class. This again remains unresolved until they return the next week and find themselves barred or led straight to VIP and can press a sober witness for a true description of events.

Well both these two classic catch up conversations have been wrecked by the possession by just about everyone of a fully functioned cameraphone. The poorly lit smokey dens of the nightclub are now smoke free and penetrated by the power of LED flashes all night long. The true beauty of Brad and Jen and their lewd exploits can be seen in colour screen glory and texted, emailed, posted and put on a t-shirt for all to judge in the clear light of day. The image of Ange and her silver pubes are online in hours and all her friends and relatives from around the world can see her drunken face boxed and quick linked.
The onset of modern technology has stolen this from those just setting out on the drunken misadventure in club-land. I feel the vast and instant spread of personal drunken quests makes the she texted him what conversation more the cyber-pub debate of the future.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Back to the Grindstone

Due to the ever shifting sands of who has which door contract and where I'm back in the city and working the one venue now 6 -7 days a week. This has some curious differences to my partly itinerant previous work.

The first of which is that I now begin to learn the bar-staff and admin staff's names, their children's names, their partners names, their ex's names and all of their bastard sodding gripes about work, home and screwed by shift work love-lives. I get to truly see who the regulars are. The ones who take as many nights off from the city's top nightclub as I do. That dedication to poverty and alcoholism is something to be praised. No, sorry there, it's something to be pissed on from a great height.

I don't get to see so many venues and different styles of night and only work with a rolling list of 4 or so management but fear not, the clu
b is big and busy, with the imminent return of the students, the gits are back this week for a fortnight of drunken misadventure, I can assure you there are many tales to tell.


Sorry for the ridiculously extended absence. I've been sunning myself in one of Her Majesties colonies for a while and after 6-months was returned to blighty. It's taken some-time to get back online but all is good again. Posting will resume shortly.
Oh there are some tales to tell.