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Friday, November 30, 2007

Festive Frolics

The time is once more upon us when tinsel is wrapped around any possible protrusion and snow-flakes and other non-denominational symbols are hung from the ceilings.
I've been working all over the shop recently and I've found out a few things.

Drunks are more prevalent this time of year. With the sun going down early and various christmas get togethers going on people are getting more drunk, earlier. This just means more vomit, more staggering and stumbling, spilling drinks, and more escorting to the door, more rejecting on the front door and more poorly targeted verbal abuse.

Young ones are under the belief we are stupid. Those in their final year of school are suffering from the fact that the older of their classmates can go out and legally drink. This places a social obligation on the younger ones to join in the tomfoolery. The UK driving license is not easily forged. The UK passport even harder to forge. Anything else we take with a strong pinch of salt, UK/GB/EU ID cards are just ridiculous and we do laugh about them. We also like photos to look like the people who present them, just call us cynical but it could so easily be your brother, sister or other close family relative.
What gets my goat is young ones, who show their driving licence with their real date of birth and it shows them as under-age. It gets the whole flock, goatherd and the grazing.

I've noticed that with the worsening weather, chavs are taking to layering in a big way. Two T-shirts followed by a sweater, then a jacket, with hat, scarf and gloves. It's becoming a fun little game to see how many visible brands you can spot on any individual. The down side is that when you eject or reject a spanner they can alter the layering sequence and try again in a couple of minutes. Not too difficult to reject them, that is 'til theirs more than a dozen of them at it. Then it's just a sea of horizontal stripes and chav labels everywhere.

The final thing to note is, it's bloody cold. I've been snowed on, sleeted on and rained on, all in one night. Not a great night, but at least it keep the chavs at bay.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Oh maybe

From reading the musings of a doorman over the pond I read this and it got me thinking.

How often do I see lads squaring off on the dance floor where they know we'll be watching. How they'll look up to our fixed points and non-verbally plea for us to get down there and split them up. It'll save them face and in the end make less work for us to do so nine times out of ten I'll wander down or make my presence known and that'll just leave it as pointed stares and muttered threats. I'll keep my eyes on them but that'll be it.

Now the one time in ten I let it develop is more interesting. If there's a chav who's been a dick before, or a care in the community who looks like they've gone off their meds I'll watch and wait.

The chav will either clock I'm watching and leave it out or do enough to get himself barred, probably with a ripped shirt and a sore shoulder or two by the time he's taken a rapid trip through the nearest fire doors with 40 stone of momentum.

The special lad, thats always interesting. Not likely to go off, more likely to run away and be adamant about getting out of there. Can be surprising if they just hug everyone or insist on making up and buying a drink but then spending two hours trying to talk at their new best friend. Always entertaining and far less effort to watch and be safety net than get in early and find I've got a new best friend for two hours.
Made that mistake before. There's so little I want from someone who lives in sheltered accommodation on benefit with so tenuous a grasp of reality and proportion that nothing they say can be believed and is so unlikely to be interesting.

Getting in early is usually the lazy option. You can walk over and get your message across and wander back without raising your adrenaline level above nearly asleep. If you let it stew you'll be shouting down the radio and arriving at full tilt across a busy club with spilled drinks down your shirt. Those alco-pop stains soon to be joined by aerated blood from shouts through bleeding noses and split lips. Not necessary or worth the effort unless it's been a night so boring you'd let anything happen rather than have your eyes drawn again and again towards the minger and the special need couple 2 minutes from needing condoms and a private room.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

The winter

That time of year is upon us again where the long coats, hats, leather, wool or fleece gloves come on. The sight of doorstaff shuffling their numb feet on the frozen front step is ubiquitous.

Don't be surprised if we're short with you when you prat about in the opened doorway as you try and rally your drunken herd into moving to another bar.
Don't be surprised if you find we won't lend you our ears as you whine about the unfairness of life after we've declined you entry.
Don't be surprised if we're more interested in where that hot cup of tea we were after half an hour ago has gone rather than your claim that your mates are all inside and you really are 18.
And don't be surprised, offended or threateningly violent when you ask and we decline for the n-
th time in our shift, if you could have our hat, coat or gloves.

It's cold, we can't head inside and warm up, we can't wear beer jackets, we can't sod it and get a warm cab home. We don't find lines we've heard a thousand times before interesting, funny or serious. If you're going out on a night in winter, wrap up warm or get
anesthetized on mulled wine or stronger, don't bitch about it to us. We bitch about it enough without you chirping up.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Pockets (ptI)

You find all sorts of things in peoples pockets.
Occasionally I'm at the special table by the front door asking people if they would mind having a random search. I ask them to empty out their pockets onto the table and after a great deal of faffing about I'll ask them if that's everything out of their pockets. I'll look through what they've placed on the table, pat them down and ask them to properly empty their pockets. This I repeat til either I'm satisfied that I've thoroughly searched them or I find something interesting.

Most folks are familiar with the idea, and I don't find anything on them. Sometimes I just wonder about the sanity of folks.
Most notable has been, 6' of steel chain in the back of someones trousers, the police picked him up quickly after that. Not the kind of thing you'd ever want to see wielded in anger in a crowded area.
Some folks have actually placed first time on the table, a bag of magic mushrooms, film wrapped cannabis resin, small bags of pills, pre-rolled joints and just hoped they'd get over-looked. They didn't.
Some disguise their naughty goods. A lip-salve dispenser that rattled, full of little white pills.
A silver bullet on a keyring, that unscrewed to show white powder and small spoon.

Also when checking a wallet, I'll run the edges of cards along a finger to see if white powder remains. I'll check the bill fold sections to see if grains of white have fallen off notes, I'll tip cig packets up to see that only baccy falls out. I'll turn phones on or take the backs off and get to see what could be hiding inside.

It's not perfect, if you're serious, you'll get it past us. If you're stupid, you'll not be getting in, you'll more likely be getting barred.

Friday, November 09, 2007


I've been poking around the blogroll and killed off some oldies and landed in some new ones.
If you've joined the list, thank-you for the entertaining content.
If you've left the list, sorry you've probably stopped posting.
If you want to get on the list and I haven't seen your blog, just link it in the comments and I'll have a gander.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Your choice

A long time blogger whose musings I have enjoyed and whose veracity I'm pretty damn sure of is in dire need. See her plea, it's up to you to give or not.

Update: Merys has raised her money and her thanks are given.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Am I hard?

Now this is a question I don't really ask myself. I'm big, strong, fast, competent and confident.

Which is the most important? Without much doubt, the confidence. I don't get people starting on me, I don't get people taking the piss out of me and I don't get many people not listening to me. I don't get much bother. When shit does happen I get stuck in, but don't lose my head. If you're not fighting, me or someone, else I'll not take my frustration out on you. If I fly in and it's all over in two seconds, I'll come off the boil fast and not be in a hurry to use your head to open the fire doors. This all means I don't get much bother.

This however doesn't reflect well with my bosses, I can get through nights where people don't need more than a word here or there to get them through to the end of the night. I don't end up having massive brawls with large groups of punters. I just get the job done as quickly and simply as possible. This means I don't stand out but the job gets done all the same.

Am I hard? Don't try to find out and you'll never need to know.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Geographical Hazards

Now this is a little issue that personally makes me stressed.

It's the venues that have balconies, open staircases or god-forbid stages. These all present an opportunity for a punter to drop, throw, spit, fall, get thrown or throw up over. The poor victims underneath suffering the fallout.

They make nice features in pretty buildings but are not things highly confined drunk people should be allowed to encounter without very high levels of supervision.

On the up-side, they provide punters with platforms with a high visibility setting for their dancing skills in very small skirts or belts or just tops that nearly cover their backsides. The poor victims beneath suffer the fallout along with the view.