Ways to...

get rejected at the front door

1. Be drunk. I know the need to get a few jars down your neck and get the social juices flowing before you attempt an approach towards a good-looking lady. I also know it's illegal to serve anyone who is drunk. Merry I can live with, drunk I can't. Be it slurring, staggering, swaying or just that relaxed facial expression that says one too many, I'll be more than happy to send you away to enjoy your night elsewhere. It may seem daft that we turn away potentially our highest consuming customers doing this but we'd rather see them go from merry to drunk inside, it's more profitable and less messy.

2. Be inappropriately dressed. Now I'm not a fan of scruffy people. Men, have a shave, not every day but at least some time in the last 2 weeks. Ladies, do something with your hair, even if it's just brush it or put it up. you can dress as you like as long as you meet he ever varying and always open to interpretation dress code. Not looking like you've crawled out of a dark hole backwards is always a good start. I don't have a sense of fashion, only of taste, that means that whatever the label is on your clothing, the bigger it is the less I'll like you.

3. Be undressed. Less of a problem than (2.) but don't leave shirts unbuttoned or off and I don't want to see your pants escpecially when you've got a belt on you chavvy morons. Ladies, unless it's very exceptional bra's are not for public display, nor are nipples or the top of your pubes. Don't take offence when I reject you for this, I just think that if I were a punter I'd rather not be seeing these things when I'm inside enjoying myself.

4. Be loud. Having a laugh, telling a joke, winding a mate up. All good uses of the time spent not drinking whilst queuing. Loud shouts, loud singing or other abrupt loud noises will only increase my unease and will leave you with more than a queues worth of time without drink.

5. Poor queuing. The person standing infront of you will likely be trying to do the same as you and get into the premises. Sometimes this is not the case though it's always best to ask them. Don't think you can just cut in ahead of other more patient punters. If we notice, and we generally do, we'll happily remove you to attempt another manners lesson from the back of the queue. If you actually think it's worth requeuing than go ahead, it's likely we've just done it to wind you up but you may get lucky. If not you've only wasted your time not mine.

6. Be part of a large group. Now for mixed groups this is often less of a problem but for single sex groups, out on the town for some spurious celebration reason or another, some fool in your group will likely have fallen foul of 1-5 above and nothing you can do or say will entice me to change my mind. Best bet is to leave them with money for a taxi and kebab and wish them well for their head in the morning.

7. Be barred. Now some folk don't seem to get the hint that when we say they're barred from the premises, they are barred from the premises. We only have a few clubs in this town so maybe that's the reasoning but whatever the motivation, we don't want you in. You may get past the front pair and even pay to get in at the front desk but someone working will know you and you will be abruptly back on the street. If you are barred, turn up sober and ask politley why and for how long. Don't argue, just accept it and take your custom elsewhere in the mean time. Argue and we'll just keep upping the length of your exclusion 'til zimmer-frames and more than a few changes in ownership will be facing us all.

8. Be distressed. Now I know when folk go out drinking thay can get emotional and can get upset by the smallest things. Sometimes bad news reaches you or it's as you relax that something finally hits home. I understand this, I'm not going to let your sad sobbing self into the club to drown your sorrows. It's just not good for the place to have you drinking here when you're in such a state the other customers will notice.

9. Have a history. If I've had to kick you out before, I'll possibly remember this and possibly why. If you were too drunk or you'd fallen asleep, if you look like you're half-way there again I'd likely not let you in. If you were violent or threatening previosly, I'd try and assess what mood and company you were in. If I had any doubt you'd be trouble, I'd save myself the bother of having to let you in. Unless of course, I was bored and fancied having something to do. In which case I'd be more than happy to let you in and have myself a whale of a time kicking you out again.

10. Arrogance. I get paid to work here and do a rather unpleasant job at rather unpleasant hours. This is not a good reason to think I'm stupid, idle or only recieving the minumum wage. Be polite to me when I greet you and I'll like you a whole lot more than when you respond to my greeting with the kind of stare that kept the british empire only ever one good rebellion away from a kicking. If you think I'm scum, why, oh why, would it bother you so much that I decide not to admit you. It may seem like I'm doing it for kicks and it's partly true but rude and ungrateful people cause friction within the club both with punters and staff. If I can reduce their number inside by one I'm a happy lad.

11. Misc. There's a world full of things you can do to annoy me enough not to let you in, however a good manner and some sobriety can overcome most of these obstacles. The best thing to bring with you to a club is a good attitude,

oh and of course your ID.